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ITT, We write a text based adventure game! I'll get us rolling with a classic start:

>You are standing in an open field west of a white house, with a boarded front door. There is a small mailbox here.

What will you do?


open mailbox


and shit in it for good measure


>as you finish wedging your rear inside the mailbox, preparing to unload, suddenly the most beautiful woman you've ever seen appears out of nowhere beside you. She looks over at you and gives you a flirtatious smile.

What do you do?



check inventory


look for chloroform


>There is no chloroform in your satchel, but you do find a yo-yo, a copy of TIME magazine, and a claw hammer coated in baby food. As you search, you fall out of the mailbox, and are now on the ground with your pants around your ankles. The woman anxiously waits for you to make a move.

What do you do?


Give my dick several paper cuts to the urethra with the cover of TIME


I hafve a feeling you have never playt4ed a ty4edxt adventure game.


Are you having a stroke?


Rum induced disability. sorry.


Tell the girl that rain sleet snow or sun, i always make my special deliveries.



And this one is now exception, get ready to ride the Hershey highway!


>"Oh, I've got a 'special delivery' for you." She lifts up her skirt to reveal her massive, erect penis. "Get over here and take my package delivery boy."

What do you do?



look south


>To the south, you see the Red Dragon's lair off in the horizon, a towering ebony mountain peaked by crimson draconic fire.Your view is interrupted when you feel your shemale admirer poke her shaft against your cheek.

What do you do?



use claw hammer covered in baby food on shemale


>The claw hammer digs into the shemale's scrotum, severing it completely. The creature screams in pain before immediately dying.

You gain 10 XP.


What do you do?


take outfit



Wear outfit and begin to fool around with the corpse while it's still warm.


Shit on the outfit


Take the outfit and look to the rest of the compass points


>To the West, you see the white house. To the South, you see the Red Dragon's lair. To the East, you see a sheer cliff face, smooth and without footholds. To the North is a thick forest.
What will you do?


Run to the forest wearing the outfit and dragging the corpse behind you.


>As you begin to push into the dense forest, the corpse snags on the branches behind you, uncooperative. You will probably have to drop the corpse if you wish to go this way any further
What will you do?


Use claw hammer to break off ring finger of corpse, put the ring finger in inventory. Continue pushing through the forest.



> Ring finger deposited into your pocket, you begin to push deeper into the dense wall of trees. You come across a goat in a small clearing eating what appears to be red grass. What do you do?


Try a bite of the red grass.


File: 1526282928848.jpg (7.84 KB, 200x175, Its probabl….jpg)



File: 1526440272687.jpg (7.85 KB, 283x178, images.jpg)


> You slowly begin to swallow the "grass" tasting strangely of copper. As you look down at your had you see they are covered in a sticky red substance. The goat that was once in the field has been replaced by Baphomet, he speaks to you in a gutteral voice. "Why have you come?"

What do you do?


I tell Baphomet, "I don't know nigga, I just wanted some red grass. Why have you come?"



> Baphomet responds, "Why you actin all ratchet you cracker ass mutha fucka. I was just askin why you was here". He follows up with "Get the fuck outta my clearing bitch."

What do you do?


I say, "Can I at least take some grass for the journey? The copper will help my bonez."


>Baphomet does not speak and seems to stare into your soul with red-hot eyes, bringing with it primal nightmares. After what seems like an eternity, the silence becomes uncomfortable. Baphomet shifts his weight, coughs once, grumbles something, and leaves.
What do you do?



I yell, "Yeah that's right you bitch ass, goat headed, motherfucker! You better leave before you get smacked!". I then proceed to examine the red grass some more trying to decipher what the hell it really is.


>To your surprise, you realize it's really just a field of red liquorice. You should really get your vision checked! However, in the middle of the clearling, there seems to be a small pile of the liquorice in an otherwise even distribution, as if its covering something.

What do you do?


I fill my inventory with red licorice for the journey.


>Tossing aside the rest of your inventory, you gather in as much liquorice as you can carry to take with you. Maybe you can offer some to any monsters you meet as a snack to keep them from eating you or something. After gathering the liquorice, you notice that the pile stands out even more and seems even more suspicious.
What do you do?


Fellate self


>That would be a great idea… if you were a fag! You can't even see your dick, much less suck it. Maybe after this adventure you'll lose enough weight to try.
What do you do?


I check the compass points



> Looking to the North you see nothing but more forest, the south sends you back to the dick girl corpse you left at the entrance of your current predicament, the east takes you to a cliff, and the west gives way into a series of plains. Ominous clouds overcast the plains striking the foliage with lightening.

What do you do?


I head west towards the cliff.


He pulled a 360 and walked away



> As you approach the precipice, you begin to smell something peculiar. Slowly you realize the scent of rotting flesh. As you approach the edge you look down upon a field of corpses, each decaying at various stages. The dilapidation and carnage in front of you causes your stomach to purge it's contents.

What do you do?


eat some of the licorice to keep my stomach full. then inspect the area.


>At first, everything appears lifeless before you, the rotting stench of death making your eyes water. As your senses get adjusted, you notice within the canyon a small tent with a couple of ragged men standing outside of it. Very faintly you hear their conversation. "Remember when the canyon was good? one laments." The other responds with some skepticism, "Dude, the canyon was never good." The cliff is fairly steep, but you might be able to climb down it if you really want to.
What do you do?


Throw licorice at the men.


>The licorice lands near their tent, and it immediately sends the men into a rage. They both begin hooting like chimpanzees, beating their fists on the ground and screaming "RADICAL! RADICAL!" over and over.

What do you do?


Wew licorice wins again.
Craft a mighty licorice whip.


>You attempt to craft a whip out of the licorice, but it quickly falls apart. You look down and see the two men scaling the side of the cliff whilst shout-chanting "ONE OF US" over and over again with spears on their back. You quickly scan around and see a moderately sized boulder perched just above where the men are climbing.

What do you do?


Shake my hips and yell down at the men: "you boys lookin' for a good time?"


>Your hip sway does not affect the two men, but the boulder looks sick. Embarrassed to be around your faggotry, it flees, falling away from you and crushing the two men, killing them instantly.
What do you do?


Activate B.U.R.S.T. Mode™


>What the fuck even is that you stupid cunt this isn't some gay ass Skyrimjob-style power fantasy. Man the fuck up and do something possible for God's sake you double nigger.
What do you do?


Take a minute to jerk off and clear your thoughts.



> As you blow your load down over the canyon, your mind clears as soon as your seed leaves it's roost. You slowly begin to look around and process everything that's happened to you. From the men, to the candy, to the boulder. As the shame sets in your realize you're still standing on the cliff.

What do you do?


Head back to the forest singing the apartheid national anthem in bad Afrikaans.


I see someone just got off the boat from 8chan's /v/


>As you walk back to the clearing in the forest with the STILL CONSPICUOUS PILE OF LEAVES, your merry melody carries through the trees. Suddenly, an enraged Nelson Mandela bursts through the trees wearing a Che shirt and firing dual pistols into the air. "The fuck you singing, cracka?" He asks in ebonics, staring you down.
What do you do?


Dive into the pile of leaves


Run zigzags away from him


>As you dive into the leaves, you notice that the pile is deeper than it first appeared. There appears to be some sort of divot in the ground at this place. You see a grate half-covering a hole near the center. Nelson Mandella's hoots and hollers sound from around you as he fires into the air and dances.
What do you do?


I think quietly to myself, "This is the proof I needed! The Mandela Effect is real! All of my colleagues will finally take me seriously!"

I then use the licorice in my inventory to craft a rope. I test it's strength, making sure that it's enough to hold the enraged chimp-like man down.


>It's fucking licorice m8. Shit snaps in half.
What do you do?


Enchant all my licorice.



MOD EDIT: Please keep testing posts to the testing thread. >>>/s/199


Make a faggot of the licorice using a birch branch to tie them together, tie one end of the faggot around his nose and mouth, and fold up the other end and put it facing the ground.



> Still being made of candy he breaks through and begins beating you with fierce strength fueled by his rage. After nearly beating you to death he stumbles away exhausted from such an effort. Your breathing heavy, you notice a rifle with tranquilizer darts a few feet away. What do you do?


Check Inventory.


>It's still full of fucking liquorice from when you stuffed your pockets with it earlier. You could survive for months just on the liquorice you have, assuming you had a source of clean water.
What do you do?


Shoot him with the tranq darts, then do the liquorice faggot suffocation thing on him again now that he's unconscious.


No, you faggot. Eat the licorice to recover your health. You're worse than trying to play Pokemon with Twitch. We're bleeding out over here.


Then shoot him and stuff licorice down his throat till he chokes.



> After eating enough licorice to bind you up for the next 20 years, you feel well enough to recover the tranq gun and make another attempt at Mandela. You run over to retrieve the gun, loading it as soon as your hands are laid upon it's smooth barrel. You slowly line up your shot and pull the trigger feeling a slight kick as the dart finds it's mark and knocks out the elderly homo sapien. As you approach to begin choking him with your candy, his eyes pop open.

What do you do?


Scream "I've got ya now, you slimy bastard!" and hit him with the stock of the tranquilizer gun.



> Mandela falls unconscious and you stand triumphant over your prey.

What do you do?


Eat licorice to free up inventory space, and then loot his body.


>You gorge yourself on delicious licorice and waddle over to the boddy of the unconcious Mandella. As you pat him down and begin to turn out his pockets, you furrow your brow in confusion. It seems that all Mandella had on him was more licorice, which you add back to your inventory, once again full of the treat.
What do you do?


Run south

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